Just a drive

So I went on another drive today.  The weather was incredibly wet, the rain splattering against my windshield relentlessly.  But I haven’t seen the rain in a very long time, it seems we’ve been having an unusally warm winter.  So I didn’t mind the wind or rain, in fact I welcomed them.

I wasn’t sure where I was heading, only that I was going “somewhere”.  Sometimes the best trips are those that are unplanned.  Today I headed south.  I just kept driving and driving.  I didn’t really care where I was going or where I ended up.  It was very cathartic to just zen out and drive.

I think I ended up somewhere near Monterey.  All I knew was that I was hugging the coast.  I stopped because something about this lonesome spot spoke to me.  I just parked on the side of the road, and just turned off the engine.  I just sat there and watched the ocean, as the surf pounded onto the shore.  I wrapped myself in the blanket I had specifically brought with me, and I just sat and watched. 

I’m not really sure what went through my head.  I know I was thinking about a lot of things.  The craziness and stress I had been going through at work.  The uncertainty of what lies ahead.  The feeling that time is slippling by so fast and the feeling that the world is rushing by and I’m not keeping pace.  It’s strange.  No matter how much I’ve done, how much I’ve accomplished, I still don’t feel like I’ve done enough.  I’m still sub-par, below average.

So I just sat there and let all these pent up feelings flow through me.  I didn’t hold back, whatever I felt or thought, I let it happen.  I remember feeling anxious, angry, sad, fearful, depressed, determined, and empty.  At the end, hours had passed by, and I couldn’t remember anything specific.  But I felt like I had gone through some incredible ordeal.  I felt very tired and drained, and all I did was sit in the car. 

It took a while, but I finally got the car started and headed back home.