Love and Relationship

I had planned not to delve into anything too serious or heavy so soon. Not exactly the tone I wanted to set for this new blog. But that’s what this thing is for right? An avenue to “shout out” to the world “quietly”, a form of free psychotherapy, a place to unburden and not worry about “dumping” on others. Still….not really what I had wanted to “talk” about so soon in this blog’s creation.

*Sigh* oh well.

I got a call yesterday, one that I was sorta expecting but hoping that it wouldn’t come. A very good friend of mine that I met back in NYC wanted to continue the conversation we had a while back. I had thought I had made things perfectly clear back then. But I guess a bottle of wine, ok, a couple bottles of it, can blur the night’s conversation. So I spent a few hours speaking to her over the phone, this time, without the aid of alcohol. Damnit! It would have really come in handy too.

I had no idea that this friend of mine could be so aggressive. I don’t mind aggressive women, not at all. I want them on my vball team, I want them to challenge my thoughts and beliefs, I want them to cover my back as I would theirs. But… aggressive women are not the kind I’m looking for in a partner. Maybe it’s because I subconsciously categorize them as “guys”. Femininity is what draws my attention, keeps my interest.

So I must have really missed my mark with her. No, strike that, I knew she was aggressive because we have great fun in competitions and debates. She’ll put me in my place when I’m wrong and I get a great thrill when I trump her. So no, I didn’t miss my mark. I just didn’t peg her as the partner type. Therefore it was a great shock to me when during the previous conversation, the subject became more intense and personal than ever before. In fact (here’s the shocker), she proposed to me.

Now I quickly downplayed the thing, pretending I was too inebriated to fully grasp the conversation. I just joked my way through and called it a night. But I knew that the conversation was not over. Needless-to-say, the next morning was very awkward. Luckily we both had places to go and so didn’t have much time for to rehash the previous night’s ordeal.

The thing is. I’m not ready to settle down yet. I haven’t found the one. I’m not through being single and selfish. I like having fun. I like being with more than one person, not tied down to any one relationship. I’ve worked too hard and too long to be where I am professionally. I haven’t spent enough time pampering myself yet!! Me! Me! Me!! That’s my motto. Me! Me! Me!!

I thought she knew. Shoot, I tell her just about everything that goes on with my life. So what went through her mind to propose? And in all honesty, it’s not the first time I’ve been proposed to. I’ve had proposals of “if we don’t get married by (enter age), then we’ll get married”, and “I’m at a certain age now, and so let’s get married”, and “You’re so established and stable, so, you’re the one I want”. Umm, yeah. but you’re NOT what I want. I’m stable? Please, if you know me, you’d know, I’m not “stable”. hah! And so you’re a certain age, hey that’s great, but sorry, I’m not going to settle down just because you’re biological clock tells you you should. Those are your eggs. Go find someone else who’s ready to help you hatch them. Me, I’ll keep my little soldiers away from that battlefield!

So now, my friendship with her has truly become VERY awkward. I’ve decided I need to start screening her calls and avoid opening her emails. Just until everything settles down and she’s come to her senses, hopefully. I wasn’t trying to fool her or anyone for that matter. I’ve been very honest with where I stand regarding lifelong relations. It’s not for me, not now, and maybe not ever. So I shouldn’t feel bad right?

And yet, I do. (Scary, scary two words)